Dear Cablevision,

Here’s the thing: please don’t call me. Ever. I am extraordinarily uninterested in your latest special offer, particularly if you would like me to add a service that I had to spend multiple hours on the phone with you canceling the last time I was unfortunate enough to end up with it.

It’s nice that you would like to offer me $5 a month in cost savings, but honestly it’s no longer worth it after 5 minutes wasted on the phone with you, never mind the day I would have to spend waiting for you to come and install a service that I neither want nor need in order to realize said savings.

Perhaps I am in the minority, but I am decidedly disinterested in a race to the bottom on pricing when it comes at the cost of poor service and necessitates any interaction whatsoever with telemarketers.

You know what you should be doing with your time and money instead of wasting it on telephone sales? Making your service so good that the only time I ever think about it is when I am basking in the rosy glow of an absurdly fast download. Updating your billing system so that the user interface is a glorious dream of ease of use. Upgrading your website so that anything I might ever want to do can be done in under 5 minutes without necessitating a call to anyone.

At the very least, you might consider making sure that what sales people you DO have aren’t completely wasting their time calling someone who is fucking pissed that you called EVERY TIME YOU CALL. Get a clue and start keeping some customer records. If the person calling doesn’t even know what services I already have, never mind that I seriously don’t want to be called, that is a giant fail. If she’s offering me phone service that she ought to know I called 6 times to cancel 6 months ago, that’s an even bigger fail.

You’re a service company. Start providing me with good service. Is that really so much to ask?

Love,
Samantha

P.S. Food for thought: there have been FIOS trucks parked on my street for the past month. Don’t think I won’t do it.